Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
