when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
