I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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