I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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