those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
