she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
