I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
