I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
