Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
