His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
