Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
