you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
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