If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
