I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
