i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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