apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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