I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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