the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
