i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize