Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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