Little spoons don't ask big questions
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
sarcasm needs its own font
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
