I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
