we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
