I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
