So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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