Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
