My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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