I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
