My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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