My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
