In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
