Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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