i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
