I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
