i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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