i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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