I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
