I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
