My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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