420 ftw
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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