My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
