Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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