Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
