Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
