totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
