In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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