worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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