She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
