I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
