This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
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