Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Randomize
