We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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