I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
