You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
