Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I smell like Dick and happiness
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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