I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize