i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
