If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
